Anger and kindness

[Yahia]

Salam 3allaykum Bros and sisters,

First I would like to mention how amazing it was to find this website, it has been truly an eye opener, and would like to thank Joseph and people on this forum for all the insight and knowledge and different perspectives that have been so kindly shared. Inshallah god guides us and allows us to continue to learn and be able to distinguish truth from falsehood.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. inshallah

Ok so just a little story/experience/concept I would like to share and hear your guys thoughts and experiences about.

God tells us in the quran that we should..

Restrain your anger and forgive others (3:134)

                    And..
Speak a gentle word, even to your enemies (20:44)

This is something that I have personally struggled with and possibly others, as I believe that as humans some of us are more prone than others to rage; thus, people with anger issues and such. Some reasons people get angry may be because of criticism, or what others say whereas some might be angry about their circumstance or people not understanding their perspective and countless other reasons. I consider this to be jihad and/or a way that god tests our patience, so that being said I think it is very significant to try our best to restrain. Now I would love to hear about how you guys deal with anger, and would like to share how I have come to cope with it.

I recently read this book(7 Habits Of Highly Effective People)which mentions this concept of self-awareness, where we have the ability to think about our thought process. So when we are presented with a stimulus, we have the ability to think and decide about what is happening and how we are going to let it affect us(choice). This is what he mentions as being PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE, where when something happens(stimulus) we immediately REACT with feeling and emotion instead of using that middle process of choice(he describes most people as being reactive not proactive). This resonated with me and made me become aware that when someone made me angry or a situation made me angry, I am CHOOSING to be angry. I have no(or little) control of the persons words/feelings, I can only CONTROL my thoughts and feelings and either learn from what is being said or ignore it or whatever I end up CHOOSING to do. I am taking that middle step to THINK and DECIDE about how it could affect me or if I could maybe learn from what has happened instead. In my humble opinion this is especially true about criticism; where if someone criticizes someone else(especially in a not so polite fashion) about something, no matter how right the person might be, the natural REACTION of a person is to go on the defensive and justify theirselves so their pride is not hurt. This could also result in someone rejecting truth or wisdom or advice because of their pride and arrogance (hmm..any names come to mind). So this concept along with just asking god to give me patience and help me inshallah has allowed me to restrain from anger and make it much much easier to forgive and also not let my pride get in way of truth inshallah. (which was significant for me)

"Not so Iblis: he refused and was haughty: He was of those who reject faith"  002:034



Now, on the other hand, now that i was aware of it, I realized that if I could show kindness to people and speak a gentle word I wouldn't arouse this defensive attitude where people are trying to protect their pride. This could help others open up and be willing to let go of traditions when something BETTER(truth) is being presented god willing.

This was just something that has helped me along with always asking god for guidance, patients, wisdom, knowledge because every piece of wisdom, guidance, knowledge comes from him if he wills. I'd love to hear your thoughts, and any advice or things you would like to share.

At all times, keep a subdued voice and don't communicate in a harsh or loud voice (31:19)

016.125

"Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious: for thy Lord knows best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance"

 

017:053

"And say to My servants (that) they speak that which is best; surely Satan sows dissensions among them; surely the Satan is an open enemy to man"


Also, I'd recommend that book to anyone who's interested, and also How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.
The latter might sound like a shallow book, but it is rather good, the jist of it is be kind and a decent human to others and people will like you.