Assalamu alaikum everyone,
First of all, I'm sorry I haven't been so active lately, I've been going through some hardships lately and it's been impossible.
Second of all, I personally find it a bit difficult to find the proper words to heal a heart that feels like this.
As for start, repeat after me: You are NOT a hypocrite, and your heart has NOT been sealed.
What is going on is that the truth is one, but there are many false versions of it. The islam is one, but many pseudoversions of it roam the world, and in search for the truth we may encounter some of them, which end up confusing us and planting doubts on whether or not we are in the true path. Most of believers have gone through what you are going through, believe me on this one
having doubts doesn't make you a hypocrite. The munafiqun refered to in the Quran are the ones that pretend to be devouted muslims in front of people, but in their heart is disbelief and hate towards it. You are speaking with an open heart about what condition is your heart in, without pretending you're a devouted muslim. How can you deem yourself a hypocrite?
As to the seal of hearts, only God knows when this state is reached. I quote from brother Joseph: "So therefore, a 'seal' or 'covering' is imposed as a consequence of a transgressor's unwillingness to acknowledge the truth and to remain blind to it because of their own volition. This is in perfect resonance with cause and affect which God has imposed on his creation." Doesn't sound like your case at all (not to me at least).
And finally, I think you should consider something else as well: Our avowed enemy, Satan. A thief targets the rich properties
Similarily, the closer we are to the truth, the closer we are to our Lord's mercy, the more we are targeted from him. He has sworn to God that he will lead us astray and take us to his side, and he won't rest until he feels he took you on his side.
"He said: "Because you have thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way"(7:16)
"The Evil one threatens you with poverty and bids you to conduct unseemly. God promises you His forgiveness and bounties. And God cares for all and He knows all things"(2:268)
His methods of attack and the areas where he attacks are in all kinds and forms, and what is worse is that he instills us fear and doubts which lead us to sin, and then after we sinned he instills us loss of hope in God's mercy and forgiveness. Don't let this happen to you
"No authority has he over those who believe and put their trust in their Lord"(016.099)
"As for My servants, no authority shall you have over them:" Enough is thy Lord for a Disposer of affairs"(017:065)
"Except Thy Servants amongst them, sincere and purified (by Thy Grace)."(038.083)
See? We are not left forsaken in his hands
and even if we fall in his trap and sin, we still have hope: "Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."(39:53)
So, read and study the Quran, keep on praying even if you feel like you're not feeling it, and keep on calling on your Lord, for He is closer than you think: "And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way."(2:186). "And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein"(50:16).
God knows what goes on inside you, and if you don't give up on Him, He won't give up on you either
Peace be with you
Satan's guile:
http://quransmessage.com/articles/satans%20guile%20FM3.htmUnderstanding kufr - when is a heart sealed?
http://quransmessage.com/articles/understanding%20kufr%20FM3.htm
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